Addressing Spanking Issues – Reaching

Addressing Spanking Issues – Reaching

Throughout the month of March, we’ve addressed some issues that domestic discipline couples face when going through the spanking process.  Prior to the spanking itself hesitation and negotiating can be problems, and as a couple moves forward with the actual spanking itself, movement can become a problem as well.  Another potential problem during the spanking is the submissive partner deliberately reaching their hand back to interfere with the spanking.  Clearly this would be/is a dangerous situation for the submissive partner, and it’s the HoH’s responsibility to address this problem to ensure the safety of their partner throughout the entire spanking process.

When the submissive partner reaches their hand back during the spanking, they immediately puts themselves at higher risk of long term harm.  Their hand could inadvertently be struck with the spanking implement which, on top of being extremely painful, could lead to a broken hand if the spanking implement being used is a dense one (such as a wooden paddle).  Needless to say, it’s extremely important the HoH get this problem corrected if it’s a recurring issue when spanking.

The submissive partner reaching their hand back during a spanking is also done deliberately with intent to interfere, which shows an element of disrespect to the HoH.  Movement during a spanking is an involuntary reaction to the pain source, reaching the hand back is a choice consciously made by the submissive partner.  They want the spanking/pain to stop, so they choose to interfere with it in an effort to make the spanking/pain stop.  Given this added element of disrespect, the HoH now must choose whether or not to add an additional consequence for disrespect, or intensify one of the recommended options (outlined below) if in fact disrespect is breaking one of the couples agreed upon rules of the household.

Just as with the movement problem, the first universal recommendation before all the following options is that the HoH communicate to their partner how important it is that they not reach their hand back during the spanking before the spanking starts. “Please do not reach your hand back during the spanking.  The last thing we need is you putting your hand in harms way.  It’s very important that you keep your hands out of the way, okay?”  The submissive partner has been given the choice at this point, so what does or does not happen to them as a result of their reaching is up to them.

The recommended options for correcting the reaching problem are the same as the recommendations for correcting the movement problem.  A recap of them is listed below:

  • Option #1: Additional Spanks – In this option, the HoH would add additional strikes to the end of the spanking.  It’s important that the HoH be clear to their that the additional strikes are for reaching the hand back to separate the two offenses (the original offense and the reaching problem).  Anywhere from 3-10 additional strikes is recommended.
  • Option #2: Corner Time After The Spanking – In this option, the HoH administers corner time for the reaching problem their partner had during the spanking once the spanking is completed.
  • Option #3: Harder Strikes Mid Spanking – In this option, the HoH stops momentarily mid spanking and gently moves their partner’s hand out of the spanking area, then strikes slightly harder than normal for 5-10 strikes, then continues on at normal strength until the spanking is over.  Again, it’s important in that brief moment that the HoH communicate to their partner that the harder strikes are for the reaching problem so the submissive partner can separate the two offenses.
  • Option #4: Striking Bare Mid Spanking – This option is only useful for couples that spank over any kind of clothing.  In this option the HoH spanks over the clothing until their partner reaches their hand back, at which point the HoH gently moves their partner’s hand out of the way, removes their partner’s clothing momentarily, strikes the bare buttocks 5-10 times, then puts the clothing back in place and picks up the spanking where they left off.  This clearly separates the two offenses, however most couples choose to spank bare-bottomed from the start rendering this option useless.  For couples that spank over the underwear/clothing, this is the option we highly recommend they go with.  This is yet another reason why, in addition to the other two in this post, we recommend beginner couples spank over the underwear/pajamas rather than bare-bottomed from the start.
  • Option #5: Placing “Worse” Implement in Line of Sight – In this option, before the spanking starts, the HoH places a “worse” implement in the line of sight of their partner as a reminder that any reaching will result in the use of that implement.  If the submissive partner has a reaching issue when using this option, it’s recommended the HoH strike 5-10 times with the “worse” implement to separate the two offenses, then go back to the original implement being used.

Option #4 is far and away the most effective option and thus the option most recommended, however given the fact that most couples choose to spank bare-bottomed from the start, option #3 is recommended to those couples in getting the reaching problem corrected.  Which option to be used is ultimately determined by the husband.

This is the fourth installment of the “Addressing Spanking Issues” series.  For the first, second and third installments, please click on the links below.

© 2012 Learning Domestic Discipline


  1. Putting my hand in harm’s way put me in a cast and then into a splint.Thankfully I was only receiving a swat from my hoh’s hand and not being paddled at that time or it could have been so much worse.I have Learned to take my spankings and keep my hands and feet outta target range LOL!!

    • Yikes! I certainly hope you’re okay. Reaching is a difficult thing to refrain from doing, but as you have experienced first hand, it’s important to keep that hand out of the line of fire!

      Thanks for sharing your experience, Laurie. I hope you heal up very soon. All the best to you.

      — Clint

  2. I do not reach anymore. At first when I did, my husband would only spank me harder. If I persisted, he would remove my pants or underwear. Now, I get spanked on the bare bottom and if I protest or move too much, he uses the hairbrush for 5-10 swats until I agree to not move. I also found that if I was not spanked for several weeks, that it hurt much more. My husband now gives me maintenance spankings either once a week or every other week. I usually get a real spanking about every other month though I did get spanked twice last week.

    • Thank you for sharing your experience, Susan. It sounds like you two are finding what works best for you both, which is wonderful. We encourage all domestic discipline couples to do so, and it sounds like you both are doing a great job of it thus far. :)

      All the best to you and yours.

      — Clint & Chelsea

    • While we primarily focus on the traditional domestic discipline dynamic (a male head of the household, and a female submissive partner) on Learning Domestic Discipline, that isn’t always the case in domestic discipline relationships. Some opt for the FLR (Female Led Relationship) model where the female is the head of the household, or the Spencer Plan model, where both partners hold the other accountable with loving correction.

      Having said that, to answer your question, some submissive partners “have a need” for spanking and correction to help them alleviate some negative emotions (guilt, in particular) when they do something damaging to the marriage/relationship in some way. Some also want their partners to help them in becoming the best person/partner they can be, and for them, the avenue in which to achieve that is through loving spanking and correction. Some also feel that the HoH stepping up to give them that loving spanking and correction illustrates that the HoH cares about them and their relationship enough to take action when something is disruptive or damaging to it.

      There are many reasons that would probably be better expressed by a submissive partner (I’ll see if my wife wants to respond to your comment as well), but in my experience, the reasons above are generally the most common when it comes to a question like this.

      I hope this helps you understand the DD model a little better. All the best to you and yours.

      — Clint (& Chelsea)

  3. Hello, I know that this is an older post but probably one that is read relatively often. I just thought I might describe some of our approach to this topic. My husband Adam & I have had a DD element to our relationship since we were engaged four years ago. Our “style” if you will is a little different than many I read about, at least, it seems that way to me. It is probably mostly due to our personalities (me – super-sensitive/thin-skinned!, him – super-affectionate/gentle.) We use LDD because it came naturally & makes us feel very close to one another, not because there were any major issues going on.

    So I just wanted to share my personal experience – this is just me & how I am but maybe there are some others out there like me. I am very cooperative when it comes to punishments. I promise I’m not saying that to brag so I hope it doesn’t come off that way! I just mean that’s how it is with me, I’m very accepting of my corrections. Just one of those who is in tears from the moment I realize I need discipline – not from fear just disappointment in self. So I try my UTMOST not to interfere in any way including reaching back if I get spanked, but sometimes it seems nigh unto impossible.

    So, here are the things we’ve found to help:

    1. If lying across his lap, supported by bed or sofa, or when bent over the bed, he gives me a big pillow to clutch tightly. He always patiently goes through the whole instruction about holding it, and why. But physically having something to clutch helps me to “self-restrain” when I want to reach.
    2. If lying on my tummy on bed or sofa, he helps me tuck my hands underneath my thighs, palms up. The weight of my body sort of painlessly pins my hands down and I can clutch my legs if I need to.
    3. If bent over his knees, he lets me wind my free arm (the one that could reach back) around the chair leg or around his leg, clutching his pant leg. Again, having something to grip helps me a lot. It’s not as helpful as the pillow, but it’s something.
    4. He will also lace the fingers of his non-spanking hand through the fingers of my flailing-prone one, lol, and GENTLY hold it to the small of my back if I ask him to.
    5. If despite these measures to help me succeed I still reach, it’s usually because I become overwhelmed and start to panic. Usually the panicking is triggered by an unusually stern word from him or a sudden (irrational) fear that he doesn’t care how much it’s hurting. When I panic, if he responds immediately with something more harsh or announces the addition of even more swats, I cycle further into that panic mode where I am no longer focused on what I’m learning but simply on “surviving” the moment! So instead, the first time I reach back, he stops, stands me up, stands me in front of him, has me fold my hands and holds them together. (Yep, makes me feel childish, but that’s the point!) He tells me that he knows it is very difficult but that I absolutely may not reach back. He may say a lot more about why, lecture, reassure that this spanking is not going to be endless, etc. When I am calm again and go back into position, I have to say aloud, “I am loved. I can trust. I will not put my hand back again.”
    5. If we’ve had to go through this, he usually resumes the spanking AT FIRST at a very slow deliberate pace. That sets me up to successfully begin handling it better. However by the end, the entire correction is still completed the way he intended for it to be.
    6. The first time that I ever reached AGAIN after that last step, he calmly put me in the corner. When he took me back out, he had his belt (which I’ve never been punished with). He put the belt in my hands, and then bent me back over his knee. He told me that if I let go of the belt with either hand, I would be licked with it. Very importantly he made sure I understood, calmed me, comforted me, made me repeat my “I am loved” sentence. Then he resumed and finished my spanking. This action is particularly effective because it combines the helpfulness of figuratively tying my hands by clutching something with the possibility of further trouble. He has had to do this just a couple more times in three years, but has never had to deliver any actual licks with the belt thank heavens.
    7. One of the more recent things he does which has helped greatly is that he allows for me to tell him if I am really, really struggling (about to hit panic mode!) As long as I say it respectfully and don’t actually reach, he always responds gently. For example, if it is the end of a punishment and I’m having trouble not trying to grab my rear after a swat, I will say to him through the tears!, “Adam I can’t keep my hands away any more/I’m having so much trouble not rubbing!”etc. Yep, I know, it may sound a little “over the top” but when I do he calmly talks me through it and that’s what helps. “Babe, you’re doing just fine, I’m so proud of you; no, you’re NOT going to reach back, it will only make things worse, you can do this, You’re being so good about this, etc,” That verbal reinforcement & affectionate encouragement goes a long way in helping me keep my hands down. Obviously if I was to abuse the privilege of said communication or use it to stall, it would be swiftly withdrawn!
    8. After a spanking if any actual reaching occurred he talks to me about it, while I am still in his arms, and tells me he expects that if there is a next time, it won’t happen of course. It never fails to make me feel bound and determined to do better; thanks to him I usually do. :)I would say at this point I only make reaching trouble for myself in about 10% of spankings.

    Okay, I wrote way more than I thought I would, sorry if it was too much! :/ And if anyone has already discussed these particular Reaching Aids ;) I do apologize. But if not I thought it might help someone else, especially newbies or emotional people like me!