Beginning a domestic discipline lifestyle can be full of challenges for a couple, regardless of how long they’ve been together, what domestic discipline dynamic they have chosen, or why they have chosen domestic discipline for their relationship. Below is a list of 5 challenges, or mistakes, that we have noticed many beginner couples face when starting domestic discipline and our advice on how to solve or avoid them all together.
Please understand that the below list is just our advice, and that we encourage all domestic discipline couples (or, those considering beginning the lifestyle) to use the information on our site as a template for their domestic discipline relationship. We encourage you to take our advice and mold it into what would work the best for you and your relationship.
1) Over or under research: We encourage all couples to do plenty of research before beginning the domestic discipline lifestyle to see if it’s really right for them, and to learn more about how each aspect of domestic discipline works. Explore the lifestyle, talk to others in it, etc. So, it may seem odd that we start this entry off with “over or under research” being one of the five common mistakes. While we think research is extremely important, researching so much can sometimes be a bad thing. If you haven’t already discussed domestic discipline with your partner, and you research it constantly, it can lead to disappointment if your partner is not on board. We’ve also heard of instances where the person just becomes so involved with the idea of having domestic discipline as a part of their relationship that they refuse to take no for an answer, and won’t let it go. These are things that can end up proving to be detrimental to your relationship.
On the flip side, not researching enough can also be problematic for some couples. It’s important to have a good idea of what domestic discipline is, what it is not, how it may work for your relationship, etc. before beginning domestic discipline. Failure to research enough could result in not fully knowing what you’re getting yourself into, or regret of starting the lifestyle. While consent can always be withdrawn at any time, we feel it’s always beneficial to research domestic discipline enough to where you have a great grasp on what it is, but not over research to the point where you become obsessed with the idea of having it.
2) Setting False Expectations: We think it’s important (and fun!) to connect with other domestic discipline couples, especially when first starting out. Whether that means just reading their personal blogs, interacting with other couples on domestic discipline forums (or elsewhere), meeting face to face, or something totally different – often times reading about other peoples domestic discipline experiences can give you a great insight into what a domestic discipline relationship is truly like.
However, it can also become a problem very quickly when you begin to expect your domestic discipline relationship to mimic everything you’ve heard about online, read about on personal blogs, etc. Often times, people are disappointed when their HOH isn’t acting like the other HOH’s they’ve read about, or when they expect to be punished for something that their HOH has deemed no big deal, whereas their domestic discipline friends all have been punished for it….the list of examples could go on and on.
It’s crucially important in domestic discipline to understand that no two couples practice domestic discipline in the same fashion. Everyone has different rules, guidelines, consequences, personalities, roles, and more. While it’s important to connect with other domestic discipline couples, we also feel it’s equally as important to make sure you understand, and remember, that your domestic discipline relationship will highly likely be different from others, and that’s okay! Don’t expect it to be exactly like everything you’ve read, researched, heard or seen. Make it your own and do what works for you.
3) Not Creating Boundaries Early On: We often get asked, “Why is it important to have a set rules list?” Our answer is always the same – because it helps to create boundaries in domestic discipline, as well as a clear vision of what each person finds important. Often times when couples are first beginning domestic discipline they both struggle, to some degree, to fit into their roles. The HOH may struggle with enforcing the rules, or holding the submissive partner accountable, and the submissive partner may struggle with submitting to the HOH, following the rules, breaking old habits, etc.
By having a rules list put in place, boundaries are immediately established within domestic discipline. This helps to make the transition of roles easier on both partners because the HOH has an idea of what type of things to hold the submissive partner accountable for, and what has been agreed on, and the submissive partner has an idea of what types of things will earn a consequence. It eliminates the “guessing game” right from the beginning.
4) Not Easing Into the Lifestyle: One of the biggest pieces of advice we always give those new to domestic discipline is to take it slow! There is no reason to rush into domestic discipline and begin implementing every consequence, or working on every aspect right away, especially if this is a relationship tool you’ll have forever. We’ve seen many domestic discipline couples rush into the lifestyle and then come back a few months later and say, “We tried to do too much and we don’t know how to fix it!”
Don’t feel like you have to fix everything all at once. If the HOH has a list of things he/she would like changed, we recommend starting with 1 or 2 of the biggest, or most important, and focusing on those first. Then, slowly work your way into adding more rules and consequences as time goes on. We recommend the submissive partner also ease into domestic discipline by not expecting the HOH to fully grasp the leadership role right off the bat, and instead work beside the HOH to transition into domestic discipline together.
5) Not Being Fully Committed: This is another one of the most commonly asked questions we receive, and it’s typically comes from the submissive partner who is frustrated because the HOH is not acting fully committed to domestic discipline and they don’t know what to do. However, it can also come from the HOH who is frustrated that the submissive partner doesn’t seem to be taking domestic discipline seriously, among other things. This kind of goes along with what we were discussing above, which is not rushing into domestic discipline. One of the risks you run when you do rush into something like this is that one person (or both) become detached from the lifestyle somewhere along the way. It also puts you more at risk for inconsistency to develop in domestic discipline, which can lead to a myriad of different problems.
Our advice is to make sure that both parties are fully on board before beginning domestic discipline and that outside influences, one partner being “pushy”, or anything other than the persons own free will and desires, brings them to domestic discipline. As we said above – don’t rush it! Some couples don’t begin domestic discipline for years after first bringing it up, while others begin almost immediately.
In conclusion, there’s no right or wrong way to begin domestic discipline as long as it is consensual, and both parties truly want the lifestyle as part of their relationship. The above 5 mistakes, and tips, are simply ideas that can help you to make sure domestic discipline runs more smoothly in your relationship, as well as common problems you may encounter along the way. We hope this doesn’t deter anyone from beginning domestic discipline as that is obviously not our intention. We are simply providing another resource tool for people to become fully prepared for what domestic discipline is before beginning.
If you experienced trouble beginning domestic discipline in your relationship, I’m sure those just starting the lifestyle would love to hear from you and how you overcame it! We encourage those who are more experienced with domestic discipline to reach out to those just beginning and share your tips, and advice, with them as we have.
Also, off topic, but those of you who have been asking about the LDD Retreat, the month has been chosen thanks to an overwhelming amount of votes! We will be announcing the month, as well as registration details this weekend so keep an eye out for that.
Enjoy the rest of your week, everyone!
© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline