Emotions In Domestic Discipline (Head of the Household)

Emotions In Domestic Discipline (Head of the Household)

  Some of the most difficult things for a head of the household to talk about, particularly if that HoH is male, are their emotions.  I (Clint) know that since, well, I’m an HoH and after just two sentences into this, I can already tell this post isn’t going to be an easy one to write.  For most HoHs, particularly men, talking about emotions is about as fun as passing a kidney stone or having a root canal done.  But when it comes to living the domestic discipline lifestyle, there’s no doubt that emotions are a huge part of it.  They’re important and they need to be covered here on LDD so those looking into the lifestyle get a sense of what to expect if they do, in fact, someday start living it.

  To keep things organized, I’ll break down the HoH emotions into two categories: positive emotions and negative emotions.  I always like to end on a positive note, so we’ll start with the negative emotions, and we’ll start with the worst one of them all.

  The following emotions pertain to the head of the household in a domestic discipline relationship.

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS (HOH)

  • Anger – It has been covered extensively on LDD that acting on anger is a big no-no in a domestic discipline relationship.  That hasn’t changed and never will.  However, that doesn’t mean the emotion of anger doesn’t pop up from time to time.  It can, and it does at times.  It’s how the HoH handles that anger that’s important.

  Anger is an emotion that an HoH should NEVER act on.  It’s as simple as that.  If an HoH becomes angry, they must do whatever it takes to get themselves back to a calm, reasonable, rational, level-headed, and collected state before making any decision, or carrying out any punishment.  Period. 

  • Apprehension – When it comes to discipline, particularly discipline spankings, it’s natural for an HoH to be a bit hesitant to proceed with the punishment in the heat of the moment.  There’s a sense of uneasiness, uncomfortableness, or a feeling of reluctance that is sometimes felt just before administering a punishment.  

  In my own personal experience and from what I’ve learned from others, most HoHs don’t WANT to punish their partners – they feel as though they HAVE to in order to protect/care for them, and to keep the home dynamic functioning smoothly.  When you really think about this, it would be a bit concerning if an HoH actually enjoyed the act of punishing their partner and looked forward to it, right?  Yeah, that’s generally not the case.  It’s not easy to punish.

Addressing Spanking Issues – Hesitation

  • Second Guessing – It’s rare to get an HoH to admit to this, but make no mistake about it – second guessing does happen.  Did I make the right decision?  Am I spanking effectively?  Was my decision fair to my partner?  Did my lecture really get through to them?  Did I explain myself clearly?   Am I asking myself too many questions? 

  I’m not afraid to admit that I have an internal dialogue with these type of questions all the time, and I tell you what, they can nearly send an HoH to the nuthouse.  That just comes with the enormous responsibility of being the head of the household.

  • Stress/Pressure – As head of the household, the pressure to make the correct decisions, to set the best example at all times, and to lead the family in a fair, productive, safe, intelligent, happy, and healthy direction is entirely on you.  Your decisions affect the ENTIRE family, and will affect the future of every single person around you.  Need I say more?  That’s pressure.  That’s stressful.

  The good news about stress and pressure is that it typically brings out the best in an HoH.  That’s precisely what the relationship and the family deserve – the absolute best from the HoH at all times.

  • Guilt/Remorse/Sorrow – An HoH is a human being, which means they’re going to make mistakes too.  Those mistakes can often leave an HoH feeling guilty, sorry, and/or remorseful.  When it comes to guilt/remorse/sorrow, at least the submissive partner gets to be punished (yes submissive partners, I said gets) to wash away the guilt.  For an HoH, relieving the feeling of guilt isn’t that simple.

  Depending on how much a poor decision affects the relationship and/or family, guilt in an HoH can sometimes linger for days.  I’m here to tell you it can take a toll on an HoH, but the sooner things can be made right again, the sooner the guilt goes away.

FAQs – “Husband Accountability” Edition

  • Disappointment/Frustration – To say one will get frustrated at various times in their relationship is kind of like saying water will be wet or the sun will rise from the east.  That’s just the way it is.  Your partner may do or say something that’s extremely disappointing and/or frustrating to you, but again, it’s all in how these emotions are handled that make an HoH a truly great one.

  To be brief, anytime an HoH experiences disappointment and/or frustration, it’s best for them to remain calm (or take time to get calm) and make all decisions when thinking clearly.   

POSITIVE EMOTIONS (HOH)

  • Happiness – Happiness in a domestic discipline relationship comes in many forms.  The elevated emotional connection between partners brings happiness.  Improved behavior in both partners brings happiness.  Better communication between partners brings happiness.  Fewer arguments and fewer disagreements between partners brings happiness.  If living the domestic discipline lifestyle doesn’t make you happy, you’re doing it wrong.  It’s as simple as that.

  • Confidence/Pride – When an HoH makes a great decision – a decision that ultimately proves to be beneficial for the entire family – naturally their confidence grows.  They’re the decision maker.  They’re the leader.  They’re the disciplinarian.  They’re the head of the house.

  When an HoH leads their family down a healthy and productive path, and protects their partner and children from harm, they should feel pretty darn good about themselves.  They’re doing their duty as an HoH and parent.  Any HoH should feel proud of that. 

  • Relief – There are many moments of relief for an HoH in a domestic discipline relationship.   Relief that the punishment is in the past.  Relief that their partner learned from their mistakes/punishment.  Relief that everyone is now smarter, safer, and healthier.  Relief after guilt from making a mistake is gone.  Relief is a good feeling, and one that is experienced often by an HoH.

  • Feeling Needed, Appreciated, and Admired – These emotions speak for themselves.  There’s no greater feeling to an HoH than knowing their partner and children need them, appreciate them, and admire them for leading the family.  All of these emotions are felt by an HoH in a domestic discipline relationship.  

  The family needs leadership and direction from the HoH, the submissive partner appreciates their HoH stepping up to help them become a better person (which, in turn, makes the HoH a better person), and the submissive partner admires their HoH for being the authority of the house.  Any HoH should feel pretty good about that.

  • Love/Intimacy – An HoH already loves their partner.  That goes without saying (I hope).  But when an HoH regularly goes through very intimate experiences with their partner (like spanking for instance, even for discipline reasons), it strengthens and enhances that love connection on a much deeper level.  Embracing the one you love after an intimate spanking experience is a powerful moment for both partners.  You’re reminded how much you truly love your partner.  That love increases and strengthens with each intimate experience. 

  Are these emotions part of a relationship that does NOT include domestic discipline within it?  Sure they are.  Every single person in any relationship dynamic is going to experience these emotions from time to time.  That’s just life.  However, in a domestic discipline relationship, these emotions are magnified and intensified, and in a lot of cases need to be handled differently.

  Not everyone is prepared to handle the heightened intensity of these emotions, particularly when first starting out with the domestic discipline lifestyle.  This lifestyle requires a couple to put themselves in certain situations that they generally are not accustomed to.  These situations trigger different emotions – some negative and some positive – that often require a very different approach to handling them.  

  If you’re reading this and happen to be new to the domestic discipline lifestyle, you need to be prepared to experience these intensified emotions along the way.  Couples that have been practicing for years and years still experience heightened intensity of these emotions from time to time.  These emotions are part of what it means to live with domestic discipline a part of your relationship.  Expecting them, understanding them, and knowing how to appropriately handle them gives you an advantage to achieving long term success with your domestic discipline practices. 

– Clint

© 2013 Learning Domestic Discipline

21 COMMENTS

    • Thank you, Elle. It took a long time to write this post, so I’m happy to hear you enjoyed it. That makes it all worth it. :)

      All the best.

      — Clint

    • Hello Sarah,

      You’re most welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed the post. All the best to you.

      — Clint

  1. I know my husband has second guessed himself occasionally, and I think all HoH’s should have that internal conversation with themselves to make sure they believe with their heart that the decision they are making is the best one. Just not to the point that they fail to act because they’ve second guessed themselves into believing otherwise. Another excellent post, Clint!

    • Very well said, Christina. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m glad you enjoyed the post!

      All the best to you.

      — Clint

  2. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding what a HOH gets out of the spanking aspect of the relationship. Thank You for the insight. I really enjoyed the article and so did my boyfriend. In fact he said this is exactly how I feel.

    • Thank you for your comment, Lilly. I’m glad you and your boyfriend both enjoyed the post. Hopefully your boyfriend takes comfort in knowing he isn’t the only one that feels the way he does when it comes to domestic discipline.

      All the best to you going forward.

      — Clint

  3. Another excellent post Clint.

    I agree with Sarah, I think many wives either forget or don’t realize what an HoH goes through emotionally.

    Definitely a must-read for all, especially anyone beginning DD.

    Blessings,
    Cat

    • Thank you, Cat. That’s very kind of you to say.

      HoHs certainly do go through a lot emotionally when it comes to domestic discipline, just as wives do. These emotional experiences only bring couples closer together and make us all stronger spouses, and stronger people in general.

      Enjoy the rest of your week. All the best.

      — Clint

  4. A great heads up about feeling emotions so much more intensely. I have definitely noticed that and at first I was a little taken back by it. It’s almost like waking up from a long sleep, lol!

    Clint, from an HoH’s perspective, is all the *work* worth it? Have you ever wished you could just go back to being a non DD couple? I mean, it just sounds like so much added responsibility for a husband and at times I have felt like I’m being almost selfish for wanting this kind of marriage. I don’t want to be just another *job* or burden to my husband.

    • I agree 100% Queenie – I admit that I wasn’t prepared for the emotions of DD when first starting out. They’re much stronger than I could have ever expected.

      In my personal opinion all the DD “work” is absolutely worth it. The closeness it brings between my wife and I is incredible and I wouldn’t want to ever go back on that. Sure, there are some days where DD gets overwhelming/frustrating/etc., but knowing that I’m doing what’s best for my family and knowing I’m protecting them from harm is a very comforting feeling. For us, DD is just a way of life now. It would seem strange to live without it in our marriage at this point.

      I think if a husband feels like DD is a “job”, then his heart may not be fully committed to it. There’s no question DD is additional “work” for an HoH, but it’s “work” well worth doing, in my opinion.

      This was a very good question, Queenie. Thank you for your comment/question. Perhaps other HoHs will offer their opinions as well.

      All the best.

      — Clint

    • I’m happy to hear the post was helpful for you and Tim. There are plenty of emotions involved with DD for both spouses, and it’s important to always handle them appropriately (which is easier said than done at times).

      Thanks for your comment, Becky. Enjoy the rest of your week. All the best.

      — Clint

  5. Hi Clint Its a little time since I have commented but I have still been reading your stuff. This is really good; I think it may be one to give my husband I have now told him about the lifestyle by giving him a letter and I am actually thanking God because he hasn’t just handed it back and I have had some funny wee comments it is lying under the pillow OPEN I am not sure what to say or do It took so long to get her it feels like I am handling a china cup and I really don’t want to say or do the wrong thing but I feel intensely I should say something – thing is he knows now so at least that is a start.
    Any way this was good and keep up the good work!!

    Jane

    Ps Love to Chelsea!

    • That’s a big step Jane! Congratulations! I admire your courage to bring this up to your husband. It sounds as though he isn’t completely dismissing the idea, so that’s always a good sign.

      I would just ask him if he had a chance to read your letter and what he thought of it. The conversation has to start somewhere. Who knows – he may be excited to start this journey together with you!

      Thank you for your comment, thanks for reading, and thank you for your love to my wife. We appreciate that so much. Wishing you the very best going forward.

      — Clint

  6. Great post. We’ve hit a few “growing pains” lately in our DD relationship and this post is really helpful and best of all, straight and to the point. Your site is so helpful. Will be sharing with my HOH….

    • Very kind words, Priya, thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed the post, and I certainly hope it will help you both work through some of those “growing pains.” If you both work together, be supportive of one another, and communicate, I’m sure things will work out for the best in the end.

      Thanks for your comment, and for your support of LDD. It means a lot to my wife and I.

      All the best to you.

      — Clint

  7. Explain: Why is the discipline totally focused on the woman? Its like shes the constant problem and the one who must swallow all the issues of a marriage. Can’t see how that is healthy? To me, a man making all the decisions constantly isn’t a well balanced family because when does he accept responsibility HE may be the problem. I truly believe as human being we must love the feminine and masculine parts of our personalities – men totally controlling everything erodes that beauty God provided for us.

    • The discipline isn’t always focused on the woman. We write in that manner on this blog since it’s the most common domestic discipline dynamic, and the dynamic that is in our own personal marriage. I’ve included more on this topic in my response to you on the “Punishing When the Wife is Angry” post. Here’s the link for your convenience:

      http://learningdd.com/blog/punishing-when-the-wife-is-angry/

      There’s no doubt in my mind that your opinion is shared by many. Domestic discipline is not a lifestyle for everyone, nor is it wanted by everyone, understandably. It’s a unique way to live, but it’s a lifestyle that makes many couples very happy. It just comes down to learning and understanding the domestic discipline lifestyle, having an open mind to it, and determining if it’s right for your relationship. For some it isn’t, but for others it’s something their relationship needs and, once started, thrives upon.

      I wish you the best of luck in finding whatever relationship dynamic works for you, and makes you the most happy. In the end that’s all that really matters.

      Warmest regards to you and yours.

      — Clint

  8. My wife and I are in the beginning stages and new to DD I have found myself second guessing and feelings of regret. Like if I feel my wife did not react in the way I’d hoped with the humbling excercises I have been trying to implement. I’m glad to see even a veteran like yourself has experienced this as well. Thank you for the post.

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