By far the most common question we’re getting in emails is this one:
How can I get my husband on board with practicing domestic discipline?
If we haven’t responded to your email about this very topic, it’s because we were planning to write this post. Given the frequency at which we get this question, it’s obviously a common problem with a lot of couples. We felt it’s best to go ahead and write this post about it.
The remainder of this article will be written under the assumption that the husband is the head of the household in the marriage, since that’s the context in which we get asked this question.
The very idea of domestic discipline can be very troubling to some people, which we certainly understand. In fact, when we first heard of it we had very closed minds about it. This isn’t an easy concept to accept, let alone start to practice within your own relationship. Most men grow up with the idea of “physically harming” women so pounded into their brains as a horrible thing to do (which it is) that the very idea of spanking gets an immediate “no way in the world am I doing this” type of response.
STEP 1: THE APPROACH
First things first – make sure your husband is in a good mood before you even think about bringing this up. That may or may not help the situation, but it certainly isn’t going to hurt. Your husband probably already doesn’t like the idea of domestic discipline, so the approach is crucial and he needs to be in the best mood possible to even start this discussion. Let your husband know you’d like to talk to him about something important when he has time to discuss it with you. When he agrees to talk to you, I would eliminate all distractions to send the message that you need his full attention, and to send the message that yes, this is indeed important to you.
STEP 2: THE ANGLE
What angle you take within your conversation is also crucial. If you even mention the word “spanking”, that’s ALL your husband will think about during the entire discussion. So don’t say that. At least not right away. Your angle needs to be about how you feel domestic discipline would help the marriage, as well as help you. That’s what your husband wants to hear. It’s in the make up of a man to naturally want to “fix” things and “help” things in any way he can. So by you explaining how you feel domestic discipline will HELP you and your marriage, that will in turn make your husband much more open to the idea.
“I believe I’ve found something that would really help our marriage, honey. In fact, I know it will. That isn’t to say our marriage is bad by any means, but when I come across something that I feel will enhance our marriage in any way, I’m obviously interested in giving it a try. I understand you may be hesitant about this at first, but please just hear me out. All I’m asking is that you at least consider this, and I really want you to have an open mind about it because it’s something I feel pretty good about. What I’m talking about here is something called domestic discipline. I’ve been reading about it and getting information about it, and I want to talk to you about possibly giving this whole thing a try.”
STEP 3: EXPLAINING THE DYNAMIC
Those that currently practice domestic discipline understand that it’s so much more that punishing, which is what your husband will likely focus on. It’s difficult to put into words all the different dynamics that domestic discipline brings to a relationship, but you need to do your best to communicate those to your husband. He’s going to have a lot of questions, and how you answer them is important.
It would take another post entirely to discuss all that comes with a domestic discipline relationship, so we’ll summarize as best as we can. Explain to him how he would be the leader of the house, the decision maker, the provider, the example setter, and the disciplinarian. Explain to him that this is what you want from him. These qualities you find attractive, or sexy, or admirable, or whatever you may feel about them. Communicate with him and explain that when he masters these things, it will give you a greater sense of security, and make you feel more loved, protected, and cherished. That’s what the dynamic of domestic discipline is all about.
STEP 4: ANSWERING HIS QUESTIONS
As we mentioned earlier, he’s going to have a lot of questions about how to even go about practicing domestic discipline. This is where spanking, along with other punishments, should be discussed. If you’re wanting domestic discipline in your marriage – enough to finally talk to your husband about it – then you’ve likely done enough research about the lifestyle to answer his questions well enough so he understands what it’s all about. Answer ALL his questions as best as you can. He has a right to know all about what he is potentially getting himself into.
STEP 5: ENCOURAGING HIM
If you’re pushy about this, he’s going to shut down. Don’t force this on him. Let him make the decision. That doesn’t mean you can’t encourage him to consider it, or persuade him to a LEAST give it a try. Once. For you. Let him know it really means a lot to you, and you really want him to consider bringing domestic discipline into your marriage.
“I know how you feel, sweetheart. I really do. When I first heard about this, I didn’t like the idea either. But once I looked into it, I felt a lot better about it. It’s not some weird fetish thing, and it’s not some controlling, tyrant thing either. It’s a loving thing, and since I love you with all my heart, I think it’s something we can do together. I know we’ll grow a lot closer, and I know it will make me love and appreciate you even more than I already do. Just think about it. That’s all I ask. I want to do this, but only if you do to. You don’t have to decide right now, but I just want you to consider giving it a try. I think it would really help us.”
STEP 6: SEALING THE DEAL
Fast forward one week into the future.
“So have you given what we talked about a week ago any thought? How do you feel about giving domestic discipline a try?”
Maybe he’s finally willing to give this a try, and maybe he isn’t. If he isn’t, that’s alright. Don’t push him. Just keep working at it. He may never come around to the idea. But even if he doesn’t, you should take comfort in the fact that you took the initiative to discuss something with your husband in an effort to improve your marriage. You discussed a very difficult thing to talk about with him, I might add. That’s an accomplishment. All you can do is try.
Chelsea also wrote about this topic if you want to check it out.
© 2012 Learning Domestic Discipline