Welcome to the inaugural edition of Saturday Stories here at Learning Domestic Discipline! If you’re unfamiliar with Saturday Stories, it’s a new feature of the LDD blog that gives anyone a chance to write a domestic discipline related article or story to be published here publicly on the website (you can read more about it here). We will be posting new Saturday Stories every other Saturday, and this first entry is a great one to kick off our new feature. It’s an article we feel a lot of fellow domestic discipline couples will be able to relate to.
The author of this post introduces himself in his article, so we’ll step aside and give him the floor. His article was/is completely written by him. We have not manipulated, edited, or added to his words in any way, shape, form, or fashion.
Hello, my name is Brandon. I’m fortunate enough to be a lot of things- a husband to a girl I could have once only dreamed of marrying, a father to twin 4-year-old sons who keep me on my toes constantly, a homeowner, a wish-I-was-pro baseball player (which translates to I play in a local league every Saturday), a world traveler, a college graduate and much more. I’m also a writer, although definitely not a domestic discipline writer, so please bear with me here folks. I write 2 business columns for a personal finance and entrepreneurial magazine, as well as an interim staff writer for a major news outlet.
On the surface, we’re an everyday American family. My wife stays home with our twin boys, I clock out at about 10 hours a day, come home and eat some delicious dinner (and pray, every day on my way home from work, that it will be her famous lasagna), play with my boys, get them off to sleep, and watch all the baseball news I possibly can between then and when I finally hit the bed. Well, those are the nights when I’m not punishing my wife, anyway.
Probably figured it out by now, but we practice domestic discipline. I wanted to write this article/essay/ hopefully not too boring to read and hopefully not novel length book for Learning Domestic Discipline in an attempt to show other wives (and/or husbands) what their husband may be feeling, thinking, or wanting when that (probably dreaded for you) talk comes up about wanting to start domestic discipline in your marriage.
My wife and I had that very talk a little over 1 year ago. And, if you would have asked me prior to that talk, I would have never been able to imagine myself punishing my wife, or creating rules for her, let alone taking her over my knee to spank her. It just wasn’t a thought that ever crossed my mind. But, it must have crossed hers.
After we put our (then 3 year old) twins to bed it was starting off like any other night for us. Well, until our talk at least. She said she wanted to talk about something serious and numerous thoughts ran through my mind. When she’s wanted to talk about something serious in the past that could have meant a lot of things from “honey let’s get a puppy!” (bad idea, wouldn’t recommend that one guys) to “So, there’s this scrapbooking convention…”and everything in between. Needless to say, it didn’t even cross 00.1% of my mind that it could be something like domestic discipline.
She opened up the conversation with how she felt like we had a lot of “petty arguments” (I think was her exact phrase) and how she had been researching ways to help resolve some of those because sometimes our “petty arguments” would turn into really big arguments since neither one of us are big fans of talking things out (sad, but true). We tended to just brush the argument under the rug, mentally curse each other out, then a few days later when we were over it life would go back to normal. Alright so at this point I’m thinking “oh goodie, here comes the ‘I think we should go to marriage counseling’ bombshell that no guy ever wants to hear their wife say, especially when he thinks things are fine” speech. But instead, it was the “I think we should try domestic discipline” speech, which I think completely blindsides guys the same way, if not worse.
She mentions domestic discipline and asked me if I’d ever heard of it. I responded with no (honest answer because I hadn’t) and she starts to explain how it’s a system where one person holds the other person accountable through creating rules, and thus creating consequences for that person. I asked her what she meant by consequences, and she said “well it could be things like grounding, or things like corner time, or even things like spanking. But…” and then her voice trailed off into why I shouldn’t flip out about the spanking part, but it was a little late for that.
Kind of shameful to admit now, but at the time, I couldn’t help but laugh. My wife was sitting in front of me telling me that she wanted to try this crazy thing called domestic discipline, and she’s wanting me to spank her when we have an argument. Seriously?!
I probably fired off 15 questions to her. Why would you want this? How does this help us? Do I HAVE to spank you or can we just skip that part? Where did you even hear of this? Are you SURE this is what you want? What kind of rules are we talking about here? How the heck am I supposed to spank you? Is there like a manual for this crap? How could this possibly not mean that I’m losing a wife and instead gaining an extra child? And more. My wife, bless her heart, answered all of them. To be honest, they seemed a little like textbook answers to me, but hey, she answered them!
Alright so 2 hours later and we’re still sitting there, at the kitchen table, talking about this and I couldn’t believe it. She told me that she wanted to “just try it” but I really wasn’t liking this whole idea. My first (and probably biggest) fear was that I didn’t want to hurt my wife. As men, we’re raised that you don’t put your hand on women, but especially not your wife. I also had fears about how the heck we would make this work with 2 toddlers in the house and family that pops over frequently (I’m one of those fortunate ones where my mother in law lives about 2 miles away). What would our family and friends think, or heck what would anyone think if they found out I had spanked my wife?
I also worried a lot about how this would help us. On the surface it seemed like something that could eventually pull us apart. I feared that she would eventually get tired of the rules, or tired of the punishments, and it would cause a strain on our marriage even further. And, finally, I circled back to the thought of I just can’t spank my wife. I can’t intentionally hurt my wife.
We ended that conversation with her feeling a little defeated, I’m sure, and me feeling like a ton of bricks with the words “never saw that coming!” written on them just hit me all at one time. I tried to get my mind off of it- read a magazine, watch TV..but nothing was working. I started to feel like a jerk because I could tell my not-so-on-board reaction really hurt my wife which was never my intention.
About a month went by and neither one of us mentioned domestic discipline. But, that doesn’t mean we didn’t think about it I’m sure. Finally, one weekend afternoon our kids were at my in laws and my wife and I had the afternoon to ourselves. What started as a simple conversation with how to spend the day quickly escalated into an argument when I found out that our options on how to spend the day were drastically limited due to the fact that my wife had overdrawn our primary checking account “on accident” for the sole purpose of dying to shop at a mall sale earlier that week.
I yelled, and probably said things I shouldn’t have. She yelled, and said things I’m sure she regrets. She stomped up the stairs, slammed our bedroom door, and I walked out into our back yard and immediately started moving money from an emergency savings account into that primary checking account, all while muttering things under my breath about how pissed off I was.
A few hours later when things calmed down she came to me and said “you know, I didn’t purposely overdraft the account. But, this could have been avoided with domestic discipline. Both the original action, and the reaction.” And it hit me that she was right. Maybe it’s because I was already mad both at how we handled the situation, and at the original situation that started all of this, but all the sudden the thought of taking her debit card out of her wallet, cutting it up, and forbidding her from EVER doing something like this again didn’t seem so bad. I still was iffy on the thought of spanking her but grounding, hey, I could do that.
I told her I wanted to give this domestic discipline thing a shot, but I wasn’t ready to spank her. Instead, I was grounding her. I fully expected her to have a meltdown but instead she seemed relieved, which relieved me. I took her credit cards, and debit cards, and told her for the next few weeks I’d just give her cash when she wanted to purchase something (if I wasn’t with her) and she sure as hell wasn’t stepping foot in that mall for at least 2 weeks. I thought that was pretty fair, and thankfully, she agreed.
That is, until about 10 days into it she broke the grounding, found where I had hid her debit card, and went out shopping. Thankfully didn’t spend near as much money as before, but the thought that she disobeyed me really made me mad. For about 2 days I went back and forth on whether or not to spank her. Finally, I decided I would, but it was going to be a one-time thing. I kept telling myself “I’m only doing this once because I don’t know what else to do. She wants it, and so I’ll try it.”
The first spanking was awkward for the both of us. Honestly, you think spanking seems so cut and dry, and simple, but it wasn’t. I had no idea what I was doing. After the first 2 or 3 spanks she said “ouch” and I felt like I couldn’t continue because I knew that I had just hurt her. We stopped, talked about it, and after she explained this whole domestic discipline thing to me, again, then I felt a little better about continuing. She ended with about 15 spanks, with my hand, and although she wasn’t crying, I could see a total improvement within minutes. She wasn’t mad at me, which was a huge relief. She also was WONDERFUL for the rest of the day. Probably the happiest her and I have been in months. Seriously, all from domestic discipline? I thought for sure it couldn’t be right, but it was.
As the months went on, we both fell more into domestic discipline and officially made it a “full fledge aspect of our lives” shortly thereafter. She has rules, consequences, and expectations and I have a duty to uphold those to benefit our family. Sounds crazy but it’s true, and it works. Now, we can’t really imagine not trying domestic discipline.
My advice to women out there, from a man’s perspective, who want to approach their husband and discuss domestic discipline is to not have false expectations right out of the gate. Don’t expect him to immediately want to try it. It can take days, weeks, months or years. My other piece of advice is to be there for him. I would not have been able to try domestic discipline, or more specifically, spank my wife without her coaching me through it, reaffirming to me why she wanted this, and the reasons this was beneficial. Don’t just throw a bunch of information at your husband then leave the rest for him to figure out. He needs to hear why you want this lifestyle, and that you will help him walk through it and sort out the numerous problems he will likely have with it.
Thank you to Learning Domestic Discipline for allowing me to guest write today. This site has been a great resource for so many, my wife and I included.
If anyone needs/wants to, feel free to contact me at Brandon_J@columnist.com.
It’s easy to see that Brandon is a professional writer. What a fantastically written article about a very relatable domestic discipline topic. We’d like to thank Brandon very much for submitting this great article. Brandon, if you’d like to write more articles for the Saturday Stories feature, we’d love to feature them in the future. Thanks again for this wonderful piece.
If you’d like to write an article for LDD’s Saturday Stories, you can learn more about how to do by clicking here. We look forward to featuring your work!
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