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Addressing Spanking Issues – Hesitation

Posted on Mar 8, 2012 by in Addressing Spanking Issues, Domestic Discipline Marriage, Spanking | 40 comments

   
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  Spanking is such a complex aspect of a Domestic Discipline marriage.  Going through the spanking process often comes with numerous different challenges to overcome, many of which are extremely difficult to handle.  All of them are unique and need to be handled appropriately and delicately so things don’t escalate into a much worse situation.  In the “Addressing Spanking Issues” series here on Learning Domestic Discipline, we’ll address a number of these challenges and how to overcome them.

  The first challenge to overcome in a spanking situation is hesitation.  Often times when a spanking situation presents itself, both spouses feel reluctant to proceed with the spanking process for a number of different reasons.  It’s a normal feeling for women to not want to get spanked.  I would find it unusual if that were NOT the case.  The act of discipline spanking itself isn’t a pleasant experience, obviously.  The benefits from a spanking come AFTER the act itself, and it’s very common for women to have those feelings of hesitation or fear (from the spanking, not from the husband) just before getting spanked.

  The wife may also disagree with why she’s being spanked, or may simply be trying to avoid getting spanked altogether by acting out.  I discussed how to handle those types of situations here.  This entry focuses more on the wife simply being scared of/nervous about the forthcoming spanking.

  For the husband, hesitation generally comes from thoughts like, “I don’t want to hurt my wife,” or “I don’t want to see my wife cry,” or “I really don’t want to have to do this tonight“, or “I can’t believe this happened again after I just spanked for this last week,” or “I’m too tired to deal with this today,” or “I know my wife is going to give me a hard time and I just don’t have the patience right now.” There’s always a reason NOT to spank, but it’s important the couple overcome their hesitation and go through with the spanking to remain consistent with the previously agreed upon rules of the home and marriage.

Image courtesy of tvfanatic.com.
How do I overcome my feelings of hesitation just before a spanking?

  The best way to do so is to work together with your spouse.  That goes for both the husband and the wife.  You’re in this together.  You both agreed to a Domestic Discipline marriage and all it entails.  There are going to be times when your spouse is reluctant to go through with the spanking process.  It’s part of the married “job description”, if you will, to ease their concerns, fears, and apprehensions so this process will go as smoothly as possible.  In short – be there for them.

  There may be times when the husband is angry with the wife for whatever mistake she made, and when she becomes hesitant to go through with the spanking, the husband in turn becomes even more upset.  That may be the worst possible thing a husband can do in this moment.  First of all, husbands shouldn’t be spanking when angry anyway, and secondly, getting more upset and using any kind of force is NOT going to help the situation whatsoever.   The husband should calm down first, then comfort his wife BEFORE he spanks her.

  That’s right – I recommend the husband comfort the wife before he spanks her in this situation.  She’s scared, nervous, anxious, among other things, and she needs to be calmed down.  Sit on the bed together, look her in the eye, gently put your arm around her, gently pull her in close to you, and say something to the effect of, “Listen sweetheart – I know you’re scared, but I promise you everything will be perfectly fine.  I’m completely calmed down now, I’m in complete control of myself, and I’m not going to do anything that you’re not expecting.  We’ve done this before, and I know you can do it.  You’ll be okay.“  It doesn’t have to be exactly that, of course, but something to that effect.  Reassure her, illustrate you’re completely calm and in control of yourself, and encourage her.  Those are things she needs in that moment.

  Some husbands opt for bedroom time in this moment, however I recommend against doing so.  Bedroom time will do nothing but give the wife more time to get herself all worked up thinking about the forthcoming spanking.  In short, she’ll drive herself crazy thinking about it, which is simply unnecessary.  The sooner the husband can calm his wife down the sooner the spanking can happen, and thus the sooner the entire problem can be put behind them.

  When the husband is hesitant to spank, it’s time for the wife to step up and be the calming influence.  The best possible thing the wife can do is take responsibility for her actions in this moment.  That, above anything else, will help the husband’s hesitation problem immensely.  “I know it’s hard for you to go through with this, but I understand it needs to be done.  I know I broke one of our rules, and I understand this is the consequence for that.  It’s alright, honey.  I take full responsibility for putting us in this position, and I appreciate you caring enough to do this for us.“  If the wife says anything remotely close to this, it will go a LONG way in helping the husband overcome his hesitation.  The husband needs to know his wife understands why this is happening.

  Another thing the wife can do to help her husband’s hesitation issue is encourage him.  I know that’s really hard to do since the wife isn’t going to want to encourage her husband to spank her, but some husbands need that encouragement.  If the wife wants her husband to be consistent, then she mustn’t give him such a hard time when he goes to spank her.  In fact, the opposite reaction would work much better in helping the husband with his hesitation problem, and in turn his consistency problem (if he has that problem).  Take responsibility, express understanding as to why this is happening, and cooperate.  You wanted this in your marriage and agreed to the lifestyle, so it’s best to behave in a manner that illustrates that.

  The moral of the story is to be supportive of each other and work together to achieve the common goals of the marriage and the household.  Spanking isn’t easy to do for either spouse.  It doesn’t have to be a difficult process if you both work together and are there for one another throughout the entire process.  If your spouse is hesitant to go through with the spanking, ask why, communicate, and help each other through it.  It really doesn’t have to be so difficult.

  This was the first installment of the “Addressing Spanking Issues” series.  To proceed to the second installment, click on the link below.

40 Comments

  1. One of the best things we have done is to have the “15 Minute Rule” for him. I can ask for fifteen minutes if he seems upset OR if I need time to get in a more submissive mindset. It has helped me so much, to know that I have that option.

    I should add, he is very clear about what would happen if I were to use this rule in a manipulative way. I am careful not to do that.

  2. We just had a discipline spanking an hour ago – she was very hesitant which made me a little more frustrated than angry as we both agreed to a DD marriage and I basically had to “talk her into it” (wish I read this before it happened!).

    My questions is this – afterward she was very upset and crying, and when I went to comfort her she pulled away and refused to be held and went to time out. I was ready for another round, but felt it best to leave her be. I always ask her questions (i.e. what rule did we agree upon that you broke?) and explain why she is going to receive discipline, so I am unsure how to react to this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

  3. This is an awesome post! The best part is that BOTH the husband and the wife need to help calm the other down ahead of time, offer reassurance and comfort. And the picture is appropriate too – you can see him offering her reassurance while she’s worried!

  4. VERY GOOOD POST! Dev and I really needed this one. I have forwarded it it to him so thanks.

  5. @Stormy – Whatever it takes to ensure you’re both in the right mindset before spanking is worth doing. I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you both. Thanks for sharing another idea for people to consider.

    @Anonymous (March 7th 9:18 PM) – From the sound of it, you handled the situation appropriately and in a manner I would recommend. If she wasn’t receptive to your comforting after the spanking, once she calmed down I’d discuss with her why she was so stand-offish. Typically when this happens something went wrong with the spanking, or she disagreed completely with why she was spanked. It’s difficult to pinpoint what the problem was exactly. Identifying it, discussing it thoroughly and calmly, and working together to ensure it does not happen again would be my recommendation to you.

    Good luck to you.

    @Christina – Thank you, Christina. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

    @Pooky – You’re welcome. I hope it helps!

    All the best to all of you.

    – Clint

  6. Dear Clint, maybe you can help me.

    I proposed to my husband a DD relationship and he accepted. I am very motivated and I’ve always submitted to the discipline with full acceptance, but unfortunately the discipline that Ed administers to me is quite weak. I think he is afraid to hurt me, the result is a kind of theater performance with a meaning more simbolic than actual.

    My husband has been using his bare hand for weeks, it can hardly hurt, slowly I’ve convinced him to use a small silicon paddle, that is not taugh at all. After discipline I feel frustrated.

    I would like to ask him to spank me harder, to spank me to tears, but I do not want to offend or upset him, I don’t want to push him to something he is not fully ready for, especially I don’t want him to feel criticized by a wife that promised to submit to him.

    what shall I do, to make these discipline sessions more effective, without hurting or being disrespectful to Ed?

  7. dear gents,
    i’d like to ask you if you also experience a certain special feeling… I don’t
    know how to explain… when I started disciplining my wife, at the beginning I
    was somehow upsed and ashamed. but step by step, this left space to a totally
    different feeling… It is a kind of pride.

    I don’t mean that I am proud of beating my wife, or causing her pain or tears.
    Absolutely not!
    It’s something different.

    When I see that she bends on her knees to receive the discipline I’ve decided for her, without questioning, talking back, or resisting, I feel somehow proud of
    my role, proud of the authority she acknowledges me to, for the trust she has in me.

    I feel praised and gratified… I really feel the landlord, the HOH, the spiritual guide of my family…

    Is it something you also feel?

  8. @MaryAnn – Your situation is one that a lot of couples deal with, and one that is certainly difficult to address. I completely understand what you’re saying, and it’s important that you approach your husband appropriately to get the results you’re looking for.

    I think we both know your husband needs to know how you feel. The catch is expressing yourself in a way that does not come off as “stepping on his toes.” I’d recommend you talk to him in a manner where he feels as though you’re trying to HELP the situation rather than be critical of him or of how he spanks. For instance, I don’t think saying something like, “Hey honey, I have a few suggestions about DD that I think will really help us and our marriage if you’d like to hear them…” is disrespectful or inappropriate. If you discuss this with him when he is in the right mood, he should be accepting of your willingness to help the marriage. Once you start the conversation, just give him some suggestions on what you feel would improve the entire spanking experience.

    I understand if he’s hesitant. Just as I said in this post, it’s important to encourage him and let him know this is what you want in your marriage. Let him know that you trust him and let him know that you understand how difficult it is for him. At the same time, let him know you aren’t getting the full effect of a spanking, and in order to grow in the lifestyle you need him to make more of an effort in it. Just keep working together until you get to where you want to be.

    I hope this helps. Good luck to you.

    @John – I think I know what you’re trying to say. For me this lifestyle has given me more confidence, and has made me feel like I’m a much better protector of, and provider for, my family. That’s always a good feeling. It feels good to know I’m doing everything I can to ensure the long term stability of my marriage, and my family dynamic. I think your feelings are along the same lines.

    That’s my personal experience with what you’re referring to. Thank you for sharing your feelings and taking the time to comment. I wish nothing but the best.

    – Clint

  9. We are so thankful for this post. We are also dealing with this in our DD marriage and it was good to know it wasn’t just us or something we are doing wrong. Thank you for your blog, we always find it very helpful.

  10. @Anonymous (March 12th 2:58 PM) – You’re most welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed the post and I hope it helps you with the hesitation issue(s) you and your spouse may be experiencing. You certainly are not the only one who has run into this problem.

    Good luck in moving past it!

    – Clint

  11. Hi Clint, this blog has been a great resource for beginners like my husband and I. I have a problem which I’m hoping you can help with. I constantly feel like I’m either reminding my husband about the rules we agreed to or I’m pointing out opportunities to take control of the situation as the HoH. It’s so frustrating because I feel like I’m the only one engaged in this but I know that’s not the case, it’s because he’s worried about hurting me. I’ve had the conversation about him spanking me harder. I’ve tried being very encouraging to him that it’s ok and it’s what I want, but he’s still hesitant. What should I do to encourage him and stop feeling so frustrated.

  12. @Anonymous (March 21st 8:09 PM) – You’re doing the right thing by encouraging him and giving him as much feedback as you possibly can. Unfortunately I don’t have a magic recommendation to get your husband to step up and be a better HoH – either he wants to do it or he doesn’t. This is a consensual lifestyle and he certainly shouldn’t be forced to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

    With that said, I encourage you to continue working with him and expressing what you want from him. I would also encourage you to find resources for him to read – whether it be this blog or others – to help him gain a better understanding of the lifestyle, the importance of consistency with it, the importance of communication, etc. More knowledge on the subject will yield more confidence in him, which is what he needs to become comfortable with all the aspects of this lifestyle.

    I know it’s frustrating, but keep working with him if this is truly what you want in your marriage. It’s like that old saying — “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink it.” I know that’s kind of silly, but it makes sense in this situation. You can give him all the resources and feedback in the world, but if he isn’t going to do it, then he just isn’t going to do it.

    I genuinely wish you the best of luck. I can tell you want this in your marriage and your husband sounds like a good guy. It’s hard for the good guys to get past that hesitation hurdle sometimes. I hope things work out for the best.

    – Clint

  13. My husband and I have agreed to a DD relationship. Unfortunately, I can be a bit stubborn and resist anytime he tries to follow through. I’m nervous about the pain but I’ll confess there is also a side of me that fears being submissive in that way. I’m a professional woman working in a male dominated field. I fear giving up control sometimes.

    Of course he’s completely picked up on this and has completely backed off. Part of me wants him to just take control because I don’t want to have to ask to be spanked. I’ve tried to ask him to do so and his response is always “you are not ready.” What can I do to show I am ready?

  14. @Anonymous (April 11th 7:33 PM) – Congratulations on bringing this lifestyle into your relationship! I’m always happy to hear about new couples taking on this endeavor together. That’s wonderful. :)

    I understand the transition into the lifestyle can be a difficult one, particularly for someone such as yourself who has had most of the control of relationship for presumably quite some time. It takes some adjusting, but I’m confident you can get the hang of this soon.

    To show him you are ready, you’re going to have to trust his judgment and allow him to lead the family and make the decisions as he sees fit. Listen to him, respect his choices and decisions, and abide by them. There will be times you disagree with him, which you can express to him respectfully, however in the end it’s important to go with his decision and trust his judgment. I’m not saying this is easy all the time, but it’s what you must do to show him you are “ready” for this lifestyle.

    If you’re constantly questioning or challenging his choices and judgment, and are resisting relinquishing that control, then he’s absolutely right – you’re not quite ready to go forward with a DD lifestyle.

    Even though I hate the term, this is what being “submissive” is. Allowing him to lead the family and relationship is what being a DD wife is all about. Again, it may take a while to transition to this for you specifically, but it can be done. I assure you. You’re a confident, successful woman in your professional career and I see no reason why you can’t be successful in this aspect of your life as well.

    Good luck to you. I wish you all the best as you and your husband begin this wonderful journey together.

    – Clint

  15. I get in huge trouble for hesitating and my husband will use his belt for any kind of hesitation whatsoever. If he demands that I get my panties down for a spanking and I hesitate, he rips them off of me and uses his belt.

    :(

  16. @Anonymous (April 20th 1:53 PM) – A lot of people struggle with hesitation, so you certainly are not the only one. I’m sorry to hear about the aggressive nature of your husband. I don’t know enough about the situation to give much more feedback, but I certainly hope he’s calm and in control of himself when he “rips [your clothing] off”.

    I trust you both are doing what’s best for your marriage and I wish you the very best of luck in all that you do going forward.

    – Clint

  17. This has been so very helpful. I will admit I see much of myself in alot of the comments above. Mostly, when I know it’s time for discipline and we have agreed upon what the rules are. Let me be clear, he is VERY fair and loving and understanding. I am very fearful and literally feel like my feet are glued to the floor. What I find helps more than anything is the fact that he is so calm and speaks softly to me. Nothing means more to me than to hear, ” I am right here, and let’s get this taken care of, so we can move on.” It tells me that this isn’t something that is just happening to me.
    His Little Girl

  18. Wow, The beginning road of this new way of life is definitely rocky! I stumbled upon the information about DD and realized it was exactly what I was craving and the aspect we were missing as a couple about 2 weeks ago. Right after we celebrated our 7th Anniversary.

    My Husband has always been able to put his foot down or take charge when absolutely necessary, but for the most part I have been the one calling the shots, making the decisions, training the children and caring for them in every single way, and generally being the adult while he was content to follow. As you can imagine, It was a toll on me.

    I have discussed DD with him, explained everything I have learned about it, and been very very honest about my feelings, my needs, the roles ect.

    He agrees its a good idea, but is at that “I’ll do it cuz you want it, and logically it’s right and a good idea, but I HATE it.” Stage. Change is hard. And he has several things to step up about, and I have several to step down on.

    From what I have read, His hesitation is quite normal and with the right amount of time and balance and results, it will go away. Heh Heh, Right? I told him last night this feels like the road to something that will either kill our marriage or make it unbreakable, as long as we both do our part. He agreed.

    It is really really really hard to be the one that says, DD is what I want, what I need. Then to test the limits, or inadvertently break the rule. Then to find that fine line between, “No, No! I change my mind Never mind! Don’t Spank Me!” And “Don’t resist cuz this is hard for him too and any ounce of resistance will make him quit.”

    Plus, I’m Not the type that “Does anything Wrong”, DD for us is mostly about him stepping up as the head, and me being more respectful and submissive. The Spankings are more of a button reset, tension/insecurity release and “Putter in Place” if that makes sense.

    Love the Blog Thank You So Much for all the Sound Information!
    -Tre P. Dation

    • I believe you and I are in the same boat. My boyfriend and I have been serious for quite some time now. Just like you, I am always the one taking care of the kids, the house, going to school and working which has taken a toll on my emotions over time. Because of this, I find myself constantly disrespecting him, I always have something to argue about and I am always having an attitude. My behavior is definitely taking a toll on our relationship as a whole. Recently I had decided that DD was necessary for our relationship to work. He needs to learn to be dominant and take control and I need to learn to be respectful and submissive. He has never heard of DD so I asked for his attention one night and explained to him the issues with our relationship and that I believed it would help our relationship if he were to start setting rules and punishing me for breaking them. He didnt seem turned off to the idea, but it didnt seem like he was taking it seriously either. I explained how it is a powerful connection for couples that would give him that sense of authority and pride that he has a submissive woman. However, I have yet to recieve a spanking at all. Like you, I feel like I am the only one who cares about this even though he agreed that he would give it a try. Its no good if I have to tell him when to punish me, he must learn to make those decisions. I am thinking about just asking him to spank me one day. I think the whole idea sounds crazy, wild and uncomfortable and I dont think he understands how much of a difference it would make. I figure once he has disciplined me, he will become more comfortable amd want to do it when necessary. Any men reading this, how do I get him to really engage in this with me? He knows how important is to me. Amy suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

  19. @His Little Girl – It sounds like you two are doing great! I’m so happy to hear it. Hesitation can be difficult to overcome, but if handled properly, it can be done. I commend both you and your husband for handling it so well. Great job. :)

    @Tre P. Dation – First and foremost, I love the name you came up with. Very clever.

    A DD relationship certainly takes time to get adjusted to, and to become completely comfortable with. I certainly understand that. It sounds like you both are doing a great job working together and finding what works best for your marriage. That’s wonderful! I welcome you both to the lifestyle and wish you a successful and fruitful DD journey together.

    Best of luck to you!

    – Clint

  20. I just found this blog accidentally. I can’t seem to stop reading it. This is what my 25 year marriAge has been missing. I don’t think my husband would ever agree though. It is very frustrating. I’m tired of not having a HoH. I do as I please and often act out just to get his attention. He yells and is mean to me when he is mad. He has never tried to correct my behavior. I wish he would. I wish I knew the rules and consequences. I know I’d be happier. Now I’m never sure when I’ll do something that will get him really mad and then make him say things to make me cry and then leave the house in a huff. It’s alienating and it doesnt solve anything. I really wish I could find a way to even bring this up to him. I’m afraid to even mention it. Thank you for listening.

  21. I spank my wife immediately after I made my decision. She’s not allowed to discuss, she got her punishment with courage and resignation. Five years ago, she protests one day, arguing she has already his bottom sore from the spanking of the day before. She was grounded for a week, and hardly spanked twice. She never do it again. Sternness, always sternness, and your couple will work.
    Daniel

  22. @Anonymous (June 13th 2:06 PM) – I’m glad you’ve found your way to this blog. Not to get too religious or anything, but perhaps you were lead here for a reason. You never know. Something to think about.

    I’m sorry to hear about the lack of structure in your marriage, which seems to be causing great dissension in your home. Something must be working, though, if you’ve been married for 25 years. That’s a commendable milestone in life. Congratulations on that accomplishment. Perhaps DD will be a part of your marriage one day if you really want it to be. All I ever want is for folks to be happy, and I hope you can find that happiness in whatever you choose to do.

    Thank you for reading the blog. Please feel free to ask any questions you may have. I’m sure a lot of them have been answered on the blog or in the comments, so I encourage you to read through them when you find the time. Best of luck to you going forward.

    @Daniel – I’m glad you’ve found what works for your marriage. I appreciate you sharing your experience with us. All the best to you.

    – Clint

  23. Dear Clint, thank you for your response. We have been married 25 years because we both took our vows very seriously. Divorce is not an option for me and I’m constantly afraidthat it is for him. Yet, I am the one not happy. We are both 45 years old and have healthy, active lives. We are both very independent and hold positions of authority at our careers. He is a police officer and I’m a school principal. I know he can take charge, as can I, but I don’t want to. He is the man and I want him to be the man in our relationship. He can get so angry that he scares me with his strong emotion and hurtful words. He usually then disappears for an hour or more and leaves me wondering if and when he’ll return. I never know when one of these events will take place and they are very frightening. IN DD it seems from all I’ve read that there is a set process for communication. I love that. I don’t love the idea of punishment but who would love that? I sent him links to a few of the pages in your blog and in others. He hasn’t commented on them at all, yet. We’ll see…

  24. @Anonymous (June 16th 7:23 PM) – You’re very brave to take that leap of sending him information about the lifestyle. I applaud your courage to do so. I’d love to hear back from you, if you’d like to share your progress. I certainly hope he receives the information well.

    Your comment about how your husband “can get so angry that he scares [you]” concerns me a bit. If he has any kind of anger problems, DD would not be healthy for your marriage. You obviously know him WAY better than I do, but I felt compelled to include this in my response to you. Just be careful. I trust that you are being careful.

    I hope things work out for you. I genuinely do. Feel free to comment/ask questions whenever you feel the need to do so. Best of luck to you.

    – Clint

  25. Dear Clint,
    Thank you for your response and concern. No, I misrepresented my husband. He does get extremely angry and it does occur when I’m not expecting it but my fear is NEVER that he would hurt me. My fear is that he will leave me. When he is angry at me, it is almost like he hates me. I know that is not the case but we don’t communicate well and he prefers to disappear. He has never raised a hand to me in anger or in any other form. Actually, that is the part of this lifestyle that may bother him. I probably will never get him on board with that, well maybe…if we ever learned to communicate. He may realize that it may be preferable to allow me to have consequences that are finite for my mistakes and allow for absolution rather than consequences that frighten me for our marriage and alienate us from each other. Right now his outbursts of anger and subsequent disapperance are a lot harsher a punishment than a spanking ever would be. Mind you, I’ve no idea what a spanking feels like! I do know that being left alone and crying is the worst feeling in the world, so I have to imagine anything else is better. he has not commented on the site at all. I am making an appointment with a counselor to discuss my next steps. Thank you.

  26. @Anonymous (June 18th 7:01 PM) – My pleasure. I figured my anger concern may have been misunderstood, so I appreciate you clearing that up.

    Just from what you’ve told me I certainly think DD would help your marriage. Things like “being left alone crying” are precisely the types of things DD eliminates from a marriage. Problems that fester for hours upon hours, or days upon days, are definitely difficult to endure emotionally. Perhaps your husband will consider DD one day, but in the meantime I hope you two find some sort of way to find happiness in your marriage. The counseling will likely help, and I wish you nothing but the best with it.

    Good luck to you.

    – Clint

  27. Hello- this is an update. I’ve been to a counselor and he recommended I try to speak to my husband about my issues with being left alone crying and my issues of feeling abandoned. I did speak to him (he had read the pages i sent him) and he is open to the idea of DD or at least the HoH part. He read some of your blog and others and felt this could help us. He never mentioned the discipline part and I figured I’m ok with that because that part is scary. I imagine he’ll figure it out but that’s his choice. It’s only been one day and so far so good. He told me some of the rules he wants me to follow and they make sense but one in particular will be hard for me. He’s a cop and his friends patrol the highway I travel several times a day. He says he knows I drive too fast—about 80. He told me to never go above 65-70. He said even at that speed it is very dangerous to stop suddenly if needed. I understand but I’m used to driving 80. I didn’t know he knew!! The rules are more generic things like keep a positive attitude and be reachable since I have a tendency to disappear for hours and not answer my cell or texts. He still as to tell me the rest but this is a start. What do you thi k Clint?

  28. I realize you’ve been on vacation. I hope you and Chelsea and baby had a wonderful time.
    Another rule I just heard about from my new HoH is that I’m not to speak about vacations! It sounds weird, no? Well, I’ve had a tendency to insist on vacationing often. We have spent thousands upon thousands on trips and have not been able to keep a savings account due to my insistence on expensive travel. He feels this has to stop for a while because we need to save to pay for ours son’s college expenses without loans. It makes sense and I agreed but it makes me sad. We live in a summer resort town though so I’m going to try to have a “staycation” this summer and be happy about it. We do have amazing beaches that I’ve never really appreciated so I’m giving this a shot. I was very proud of myself, I didn’t argue with him or even pout about this decision, I just said “ok, if that’s what you think is best.”. In the past when he had tried to talk to me about not going on vacation I gave him hell! I made reservations anyway and I spent the money out of our savings whether he liked it or not. Anyhow, thank you. Your blog is making a big difference in my life. I may even slow down my driving …we’ll see. Lol.

  29. @Anonymous (June 29th 6:51 AM) – I think you’re off to a great start. The rules your husband has started with seem fair and reasonable to me. You have to start somewhere, and him reading information and setting guidelines is a great sign. It can be scary at first, but over time things will become easier to accept and your marriage will get better and better.

    Congratulations on taking the first steps. Good luck to you! All the best.

    @Anonymous (July 1st 8:36 AM) – I always love to hear that marriages are improving. Success stories never get old. :)

    Thank you for sharing your story! I commend you for improving your outlook on the financial situation in your marriage. I’m sure your husband appreciates it.

    Keep up the good work. Good luck to you going forward.

    – Clint

  30. I think I may be an unusual wife here…I want to be spanked. I think it will save my marriage. I have been married for 12 years and over the years my husband has been upset with me for various reasons. But unlike me he holds in the anger & resentment & even brings up instances from 10years ago that he’s still upset about. I really think he would feel better if he spanked me, but I’m having a hard time convincing him of that. He tried it once & I know he felt better afterwards but I’m finding him reluctant to continue.

  31. @Anonymous (July 18th 9:36 AM) – I think you’ll find that your desire for this lifestyle isn’t all that uncommon. There are a lot of women who want the Domestic Discipline lifestyle. If you have the time to read through the comments on this blog, you’ll find a few that are from women who feel just as you do.

    I’ve written a post on how to get your husband on board with the lifestyle. You can read it here by following this link:

    http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/09/getting-husband-on-board-with-domestic.html

    I think reading over that will help you. Where he has spanked once before, I would also talk to him about how important it is to be consistent. Wouldn’t you know it? I wrote about that too:

    http://learningdd.blogspot.com/2011/08/importance-of-consistency.html

    Consistency is crucial in a DD marriage, so it’s important that your husband understand he must be consistent with it if he agrees to practicing.

    I hope these links help you out. I wish you nothing but the best going forward.

    – Clint

  32. Dear Clint, I’m the anonymous who first wrote to you on June 13. I told you I found your blog accidentally. You responded: “perhaps you were led here for a reason.” I am religious and you were certainly correct. I’m Liz, I’ve been speaking to Chelsea lately. My husband, to my surprise, has embraced DD. Chelsea can fill you in, but let me say that though it is harder than I imagined, it is already making a difference. We would have had two big fights already and that just didn’t happen. We were able to talk! Yes, I was crying for part of our talk, but that’s ok cause he was right there with me and I was not abandoned as I used to be. Anyhow, thank you. I figure I better say thank you to you now while I really mean it because a time may come when I’m not too pleased with you! Lol. My husband is reading your blog as the definitive DD guide and some of your advice is quite scary to me though I know important and effective. He already followed your beginners spanking advice and it was my first ever and though I know I deserved it, it hurt! The comforting after was worth it though. Well, thank you. After this trial period, which I’m pretty sure will work out even though I’m scared to death of “implements” My husband said we could join the network. Thank you and your wonderful, caring wife. May God bless you always.

  33. @Liz – Wow, that’s a very kind comment and I thank you so much for sharing it. I’m so happy to hear the site has been beneficial to you, your husband, and your marriage together. Comments like this makes it all worth my time. :)

    I know you’ve been talking to my wife a lot lately, and I’m glad she has been there to help you through things. Starting DD can be a scary thing, and it helps to have someone else in the lifestyle that understands the emotions and can help you see things from a different perspective. I keep trying to tell everyone that my wife is absolutely incredible, but sometimes they just have to see for themselves rather than take my word for it. :)

    The spankings certainly do hurt, but I hope you see how they bring a couple closer together emotionally and help enhance important marital components such as love, trust, and communication (among others). It’s a dynamic that only a practicing DD couple can feel, and I’m happy you and your husband are well on your way to a better and healthier marriage. That’s what it’s all about.

    If and when you do decide to join the network, you’ll find plenty of support in there as well. We can’t wait to see you in the network!

    Good luck to you both going forward, and I wish you nothing but the best in all that you do.

    – Clint

  34. In my view the beat way to handle this is for him to say, “We both agrees to this. It’s my job to spank you calmly and lovingly, and it’s your job to take the spanking gracefully as possible.” if he says this each time he spanks, it will go a long way to building his confidence and her trust. It sort of removes the decision from the present and places it as a decision already made by both of them so that no one can be blamed for the coming unpleasantness. Then, they will both be satisfied after the spanking.

  35. @A-Non – That is very sound advice and I appreciate you sharing it in your comment. That’s a wonderful way to handle the situation, and I’m sure a lot of readers appreciate your advice as well. Thank you, A-Non.

    All the best.

    – Clint

  36. Clint, I’m a wife that is fairly new to this. I agreed after much research and realized how very reckless I had become. I was disrespectful, lying about $, and filling the closets w/ laundry, etc, to make house look clean. This is our 6th month of DD. It has helped me to become closer to God and my husband again, as well as reinstate the bounderies that I used to keep so well. My biggest problem, is sometimes when my husband gets home, he looks around at the house, and says “Its Maintenance Time! All I have done is maybe fallen behind a bit. I think he is acting irrationally after a bad day. He won’t let me explain. He actually gets more upset when I try. So naturally I hesitate, and even have to struggle to delay. Then of course it turns into a “Punishment” spanking, which makes me even more apprehensive. He carries me into to room, does a 5 min OTK, then makes me put my nose in the corner for 15 mins to think about my reaction and disrespect for his judgement. Usually, I do realize and I am remorseful. I tell him this but he still punishes me. It seems to make things worse when I try to explain anything. That just adds 5 mins per infraction. Then I end up w/ a 20-25 minute spanking, where he then says I will get reminder when I wake up. Why should I get the reminder when the maintenance already turned into a punishment?!? Its not fair and I am red and sore for 2-3 days. I have to sit a lot at work, and it is soo uncomfortable for days! I am trying really hard but having dificulty reasoning w/ my HoH.

  37. @Anonymous (August 18th 10:49 AM) – From what you’ve described in your comment, I absolutely 100% agree with you – your HoH is being completely unfair and unreasonable.

    A wife in a DD marriage should always have the opportunity to discuss her side of the story in any given situation, and should always have the opportunity to offer her thoughts and opinions. For your husband to completely shut down your attempts at doing so, and then punish for those attempts on top of everything, is not appropriate or consistent with how a healthy DD dynamic works.

    When the time is right (meaning when he isn’t upset and is thinking clearly, rationally and reasonably), I highly recommend you have a serious heart-to-heart conversation with him about how you feel about this situation. The expectations of both spouses in a DD marriage should be the same. If he expects respect from you at all times, then you should also expect respect from him at all times – and he should SHOW you that respect. He needs to understand this, and if he does not, I would consider stopping your DD practices all together. It’s best to stop the dynamic before it becomes a controlling type of situation, which is the direction it sounds like things are headed.

    Good luck in getting this problem straightened out in your marriage. All the best to you.

    – Clint

  38. I hope you don’t mind but I had nothing to do so I’m using my secretarial skills to go through your posts and remind you on what pages you have outstanding questions/comments to answer.

  39. I hope you don’t mind but I had nothing to do so I’m using my secretarial skills to go through your posts and remind you on what pages you have outstanding questions/comments to answer. I understand the reasoning behind the “prove you’re a human” captions but it would be nice if they weren’t so blurry and could be read.